our God is a consuming fire.

10:30 pm
So, it's day 21. I don't really want to write about anything other than the awesomeness of God today though. Therefore- this blog doesn't get a day number.

God has been doing absolutely amazing things in my life recently. He's made Himself so evident that it just purely amazes me. With that being said- this blog is dedicated to giving my testimony and thanking God for what He's doing right now.

I got saved when I was 9 years old. A lot of people argue that a child of that age can't comprehend the gospel- however, I disagree. Not to say I didn't get into things as I got older- nothing too horrible, but I was a teenager. There were trials- my dad, grandma, and several of my family members got cancer. For those of you who don't know the dynamics of my family my dad and grandma are two of the most important and influential people in my life, and my entire family is extremely close. This had an enormous impact on me. At a young age I was faced with losing a very big part of me. This was when things started to head down hill. Of course I prayed for them, but there was always that burning "why" question in the back of my mind. This is when I started to depend on relationships. The faith and trust I would put in guys replaced my desire for God. The closeness of having someone physically here when everything in my world was turned upside down was all I wanted. Even after they all got better, this pattern still continued. I yearned for that one relationship where I could have God and what I wanted from a boyfriend.
January of 2011 rolled around and I met Kody (the infamous guy from nearly all of my blogs). I honestly thought he was the one for me. This isn't meant to bash him at all- he was a good guy and if you're reading this I pray for you every day. I pray for your testimony to others, that you'll be a light to them, and for your relationship. With that being said- we met and everything seemed too good to be true. I picked up my life and moved two times, and quit two jobs all for what I thought was a love that would never go away. What happened to this love? It's not there anymore. I put SO much into it and put it above the One who is supposed to be the world to me. What does God say about this?

Jonah 2:8 - Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them.

I had completely turned away from God's love.  Even though I was dating a pastor I had all but stopped going to church and my life was in a downward spiral. I wasn't trying to please God. I was trying to please the flesh and impress the world. Kody and our relationship had become my idol- the one thing I would do anything for. The truth is though ALL love goes away except for that of Christ. I'm not saying our parents, friends, etc stop loving us. But when they pass or are not around, who will love us then? God does and He always will.

So where does this leave me now? Back in Jonah-
Jonah 2:9 But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to You. What I have vowed I will make good, I will say, Salvation comes from the LORD.

I have to be thankful for all of the things that I've gone through within the past year. Even though I stumbled at points- God is good and He is gracious. Had I not left home and been left on my own I might not would have ever gotten to where I am right now. And I can't help but praise God for the bad times.

Today in itself a huge need was met. I was so taken back and overwhelmed all I could do for a solid twenty minutes is cry in thankfulness.
I've been doing a lot of praying regarding moving back home. It's been up in the air until this Sunday- JD spoke about us as believers having a heart for the lost. It completely broke my heart in two thinking about the unsaved loved ones that I have. It became glaringly clear to me in that service that God is calling me to go back home and talk non-stop about the good things He's doing in my life and in this area.
As far as dating goes- I'm still very much so "on the market" and plan on being that way for awhile. I'm still asking God not to let me have a heart for anyone except my future husband. So far I've had several opportunities to go out- several opportunities to start new relationships. However, I'm so content in God right now I have absolutely no desire to be tied down to anyone. I'm so pleased in my relationship with Him that I don't want another one. Marriage use to be a big thing for me. I wanted to settle down and have a family started by 21. Now though, as I said, I'm fully content in Christ and am so thankful for that. It's so amazing how God can change our wants and desires to what He wants and has planned for us.

Our God is consuming fire. A burning holy flame with glory and freedom. Our God is the only righteous judge ruling over us with kindness and wisdom. A mighty fortress is our God. A sacred refuge is Your Name. Your kingdom is unshakable. With You forever we will reign.  

For those of you reading this that may be going through your own trial- I want to leave you with some scripture that helped me:

²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

 ²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

-Romans 8:26-28

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

-Romans 8:38-39

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless Babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

'Til on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From a life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Could ever pluck me from His hand

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I stand

I will stand, I will stand

All other ground is sinking sand

All other ground, all other ground

Is sinking sand, is sinking sand

So I stand

project no facebook: day 15 and 16

Day 15
4:00 pm
Today's rant is brought to you in part by the ignorant people that comment on news links...
For those of you who don't know (hardly anyone does), Wake Tech was on a lock down today. Someone called in with a tip about a person coming to campus with a gun. Thankfully it didn't happen and the lock down was over in about two hours. What upsets me though is that as I was reading about the news story, someone had written,

"At least they kepted the campus safe until they felt comfortable tO let the students out!!"


Okay, in all reality, this is pretty bad. What gets on my nerves though is that someone then HAD to comment about them "clearly not being in English class"...really people? How ignorant is our current society that another individual can't even comment on a news link without being harassed.

In other news- the plans for the PA trip are coming along rather slowly, seeing as how I have zilch time to even breathe lately...I'm going to be watching my first State of the Union address tonight looking for Mr. Josh Puccio (how legit am I to have a friend that works there, better yet how legit is he for working there, lol)...my room is actually clean...and I have homework to do(:


9:30 pm
I've been doing a lot of thinking here recently about what I need to be doing in my future. Currently, I'm leaning towards moving back home and going to ECU next spring. Living on my own is great- but at the same time I need to get some more money. I moved up here for the wrong reasons in the first place, and I really miss my old friends. 






Day 16
12:30 am
What am I doing up at this time of night/day? Watching Rocko's Modern Life on teennick.com. Clearly- I miss the 90's. Everything was so simple growing up. And now everything is pure craziness.


10:00 am
I'm sitting in College Algebra and am just thinking...I am SO excited to (probably) be going back home. Back to four wheelers, bonfires, the pond, my family...only after a sure to be amazing trip to the second closest place to my heart. Life is so great right now. I think the best part about it is that I'm finally figuring out exactly who I am, on my own. For the first time in my life I'm making a decision 100% by myself. No influence from family, no influence from a guy- just me and my own thoughts. 

project no facebook: days 9-12.

Day 9
4:00 pm
I'm currently sitting in Humanities 220. Words cannot explain how much I hate this class. I love the instructor- Mr. Haigler is awesome. But a three hour class on "the American Dream and if it really exists?...not for me. The entire school system frustrates me. Why on earth do I need to take college algebra, calculus, biology, or humanities to teach a seven year old what 2+2 is? I'm so ready to transfer and get started with the classes that will actually help me with my career.
On another note, the plans for PA are underway and for that I am totally ecstatic. Jordan even informed me today that she should still be there when I come up. Can you say mini reunion?!? The plan is to try and get a room at Jumonville and show my NC friends around. Hopefully this will entail a trip to the strip district, Kennywood, maybe a Pirate's game (since everyone knows their tickets are extremely cheap), and Cucumber Falls. Pennsylvania holds so many memories for me right now. To go and be able to make new (and better) memories with my friends will be an awesome thing. Keeping my fingers crossed that things continue to work out(:


Day 11
12:30 am
A prayer has been answered today already and I am so grateful to God for answering it.
As I was reading some scripture yesterday, I asked God to (as my room mate says) do His thing. This is what I got-


 ¹ Then Job replied to the LORD:

 ² “I know that you can do all things;
   no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
³ You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
   Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
   things too wonderful for me to know.

 ⁴ “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
   I will question you,
   and you shall answer me.’
⁵ My ears had heard of you
   but now my eyes have seen you.
⁶ Therefore I despise myself
   and repent in dust and ashes.”

Job went through SO much, and yet he still trusted God in everything. It really makes me think about how trivial my issues are. Job lost everything- EVERY thing, and this man still gave God all the glory.
He also sets an awesome example. He questions God throughout the book, but not once does he blame God. Admittedly this has been hard not to do sometimes. We as humans don't want to take responsibility for what we've done (and the sin that others do that is naturally in the world), so we end up blaming God even if it's not really intentional. The point is that God knows what He's doing. There are going to be points in life that suck so bad and we don't even want to keep going. But He has a plan and we should never doubt that.

As this whole no facebook thing continues for the next month- I really hope and pray that He keeps revealing these lessons to me.

PS- Everyone who reads this should check this song out(:


Day 12
1:00 am
Well look what I ran across on Yahoo. I couldn't agree with this article more though. It's about facebook and happiness (or lack there of)- everyone read and comment?
http://news.yahoo.com/feeling-sad-facebook-could-cause-180318638--abc-news.html 

i can still feel you / settle for a slowdown

It's that feeling that someone
Is standing behind me
And I turn around and there's no one there
And it's the sensation
That someone just whispered
Yeah and I still hear your voice but you're not really here
Your memory is like a ghost
And my heart is it's host

I can still feel you just as close as skin
Every now and then
All by myself, in a crowded room, or my empty bed
There's a place you've touched
With your love no one gets close to
I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you

You said you'd love me forever
Then you said it's over
And left me without the missing link
I thought I'd forget you
But I guess I forgot to
And lately I've been too confused to think
When I reach for someone new
It's like I'm touching you

I can still feel you just as close as skin
Every now and then
All by myself, in a crowded room, or my empty bed
There's a place you've touched
With your love no one gets close to
I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you

In everything that moves
In everything I do

I can still feel you just as close as skin
Every now and then
All by myself, in a crowded room, or my empty bed
There's a place you've touched
With your love no one gets close to
I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you
Oh I can still feel you

Settle for a Slowdown really depicts exactly how I feel..thank you country music.

I must look just like a fool here
in the middle of the road 
standing there in your rearview 
and getting soaked to the bone
this land is flat as it is mean 
a man can see for a hundred miles
So im still praying I might see
the glow of a brake light. 

But your wheels just turn, 
down the road ahead
If it hurts at all 
you aint showed it yet
I keep a lookin' for 
the slightest sign that you might miss 
what you left behind 
I know there's nothing stopping you now
but I'd settle for a slowdown.

I held on longer then I should
Leaving you might change your mind
those bright lights of Hollywood 
would fade in time. 

But your wheels just turn
down the road ahead
If it hurts at all 
you aint showed it yet 
I keep a lookin' for
the slightest sign 
that you might miss 
what you left behind 
I know there's nothing stopping you now 
but I'd settle for a slowdown.


But your wheels just turn 
down the road ahead 
if it hurts at all 
you aint showed it yet 
your just a tiny dot on that horizon line come on tap those brakes 
baby just one time 
I know there's nothing stopping you now
Im not asking you to turn back around 

I'd settle for a slowdown
come on just slow down 
I'd settle for a slow down.

project no facebook: days 1-4; 6

Day 1
I haven't figured out fully how this all is going to go down yet. For the moment I guess every day will be a posting and re-editing process. At least that seems like the more efficient way to do things.

11:00 am
So far so good. There hasn't been any burning desire to get back to my life on facebook. I mean sure, who wouldn't miss the extremely easy access to everyone you've ever known's lives? Or the games that can so easily become addictive? I'm seriously starting to realize that the cyber world took way too much of my time. I might even go as far as saying it had become an idol. Shame on me, I know. And yes, I realize I had a problem. But the point is I'm admitting to and fixing it...go me.

1:30 pm
Christmas tree down? Check.
Homework done? Check.
House clean? Check.
Cat stuff done? Check.


...whoaaaa, productivity?!


11:00 pm
It really has not been that hard to stay off of facebook AND twitter. Okay, maybe it's been a little hard. I'm doing this though. 
So as a part of all of this, I'm going to include a Bible verse every day as my last update :D


The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Deuteronomy 31:8


Day 2
12:30 am
I do most of my thinking before bed. Sometimes this proves to be a not so fun experience, as normally you dream about what you last think of.
What am I thinking about?
How on Monday, Kelsi and I are deleting pictures from my computer because I can't do it alone. The last memories I have that keep me holding on to nothing will be gone. I'm not so sure as if I'm excited to do this yet. I know I need to, but do I really want to forget?
Unfortunetly, there won't be any serious forgetting. I'll have to hold on to the memories forever. But the bright colors and the smiling faces won't be as vivid. After all- we're the smiling faces real? Or were they just a part of the grand life I imagined? Were we really that happy? Or was it all in my head? Who knows. I sure don't anymore.

2:00 pm
Today's been good. It's not freezing cold out and I got a hair cut. Of course the first thing I wanted to do is post pictures on facebook, only to realize I couldn't. It's really short. And I have bangs again. So, pretty different.
Shout out to Amara- That's awesome.  I wish I had of thought of something that creative. Pretty epic (:

10:30 pm
Day two has turned out to be a success.
Now I'm watching beyond scared straight and crying my eyes out.

Verse for the day!
But ask with faith, not doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave driven and tossed on the sea by the wind. James1:6


Day 3
1:00 pm
Nothing has happened yet today that has been seriously thought provoking.
I woke up late and missed first period (thank you, Friday the 13th).
Now I'm about to go to work.
Later...I have a skype date with one Mr. Josh Puccio, who decided to be smart and leave Britney and myself for DC.
Yepp...pretty boring day so far. Hopefully it gets slightly better.

7:00 pm
I heard a song tonight at work that I really liked.

"let's flash forward to a few years later. and no one knows except the both of us.

i've more than honored your request for silence. and you've washed your hands

clean of this."

-alanis morissette

9:00 pm
I hate when I randomly think about him. Absolutely hate it.
He's getting ordained on Sunday. It really irritates me even thinking about it.
Who was there to help him go over his sermons for the past year? Me. Who listened to him go over his sermons multiple times until 2 am? Me. Who proof-read them, and proof read all of his school essays? Me.
Who supported him when none of his friends were there, and his family was hours away? You guessed it- Me.
Even though we're broken up, and I didn't seriously expect to get invited, it still pisses me off that when I asked him about it a few weeks ago his response was, "Why would I invite you? You're my past. This is my future and you aren't going to be a part of it". It's kind of pathetic I remember those exact words. I guess it's also a good thing that I'm somewhat hanging on to the mean things and trying to let go of the good things. It might be wrong to do that, but  it's about the only way I'm going to get over everything.
Anyway- that's been my rant for the night. It's time for Grimm!

10:30 pm
Brit just texted me and asked if we could pray together over some of the issues that we've been having. I just want to take a second to thank God for putting such an amazing person in my life. I still haven't figured out if moving here was what He had planned for me or not- but I do know that He put Brit in my life to help me pick up the pieces. It's so encouraging to have someone to share all of this with.


Psalm 55:16-18
As for me, I shall call upon God, and the LORD will save me.  Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur, and He will hear my voice. He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle which is against me, for they are many who strive with me.

Day 4

12:30 am
Skyping with Josh! Ahhhh!
This is exciting seeing as how he abandoned us two weeks ago.
Yay technology!

1:00 am
(:

6:00 pm
So, I'm currently watching "The Other Guys" and trying to get Charlie (my roomie's lab) to get away from my chili...easier said than done.
Breanna is coming over! We're going to have a lovely little girl's night.

9:00 pm
Kody's ordination is tomorrow. I've decided no more bitterness. I'm going to spend a good portion of tomorrow praying that God leads him in these next steps. And if his new girlfriend is who he needs right now, I pray that she helps him in his walk.


Day 6
1:00 am

Day five didn't get a blog. I was being entertained by my awesome parents and working with my awesome coworkers, only after hearing an awesome sermon. It's safe to say today was pretty great.
Until I got home and started thinking. That's of course when things always go downhill.

I don't even want to watch Grey's Anatomy. All I can think about is Kody and his nurse girlfriend. I think it's funny how I'm the one that got him hooked on the show. (side note: just because you watch grey's doesn't mean the drama applies to your life. just saying).
There goes my random rant for the day. Hopefully MLK Jr. day will be productive and get my mind off things.

prayer and petition.

In the time I'm supposed to be doing homework, of course I'm thinking- thinking about how much my life has changed in the past year..

Things I've done.
Places I've been.
People I've met.

I have been no where near a perfect person. Even though I had no idea what was going on in the beginning of my last relationship- the fact that he had JUST gotten out of a relationship - I still feel so guilty about even dating him. To know that I helped him make someone else feel like I've been feeling just makes me so angry. To realize that a lot of what he said about her wasn't true makes me wonder how I'll be portrayed to his next girlfriend. It doesn't really matter though I suppose...I know I gave that relationship all I had. I was supportive and loving. I fought for it. When he realizes that he lost two awesome girls we'll both be gone. 

I traveled a good deal and moved. Maybe not for the entirely right reasons, but I gained a lot of experience. Now I'm being faced with another decision of going back home or picking up and moving my life to some unknown place yet again.

I met some amazing people through all of this nonsense. And if nothing else, I can be grateful for that. My room mates, my Pennsylvania friends, Amara- all people that I would have never met had it not been for that relationship. 

With all that being said-

I can't help but be grateful for the heartache. Without it, I wouldn't have gotten closer to God and I certainly wouldn't have been as close to the people I love so dearly now. Things still haven't fallen perfectly into place, and I don't imagine they magically will any time soon. But I can say (at least for that relationship) the worst is over. I'm in the healing process and I thank God that has finally happened.

The point of giving up my facebook is this- I am tired of the heartache. And for the next month I'm praying and begging God to get my heart where it needs to be for my next relationship,and to take the desire to date anyone other than my future husband away from me. I'm sure that sounds insane, and maybe to some extent it is. But, I believe God listens to those who come to Him.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phillipians 4:6

i had an idea...

So. My room mate and I are deactivating our facebook and twitter accounts. This is a sad day for me. It has to happen though.
Facebook has consumed way too much of my time lately. Between work and school and facebook, there is not time for the most important aspect of my life- that being my relationship with God. Hopefully this "experiment" will help me deepen my relationship with Him as well as my other friendships.
This blog is going to be how my life goes over the next 40 days. So if you have the desire to creep on my life, this is going to be where you'll have to come. (:
Wish me luck!