Let's see...what's been going on in the life of Holly since I blogged last...
1) I moved my butt back to Raleigh and am loving every second of it. Not that I didn't enjoy being back in Jamesville, but it's nice to be home again. I've made some amazing friends up here and can't imagine my life any other way than it is right now. Plus, Stacey is here now. Which means our childhood goal of living near each other has actually been achieved. Now if school and work would go away maybe we could see each other more than once a month.
2) I got on a plane and flew across the country. Chyeah. I was absolutely terrified...not really. The first plane ride was pretty rough, and for some reason security scared the crap out of me...more so than the actual being miles in the air with nothing under me deal. Just another completely explainable and strange Holly fact.
Colorado was great though. I got to meet a lot of JP's friends and family. It's odd to me how you can go your entire life without knowing someone and then it's like you've known them your entire life. It changes things, that's for sure. It gives life in general an entirely new meaning. It's scary and wonderful all at the same time. More on the relationship later though (:
3) I started a new job at a daycare. I'm absolutely in love with the kids there and actually miss working on weekends. I can't believe my little boogers move up to another class in January! It's a ways off, but still...I'm attached. Teaching is so much more rewarding than anything I've ever done. Knowing you're making a difference in a child's life (even at their young ages) is just awesome.
4) I started going back to the Summit and oh my goodness...JD Greear is one preaching man. I'm so grateful that a little over a year ago someone was put in my life to introduce me to that church. JD preached a really good "talk" (as JP calls them) on Sunday about God always having a plan, and He truly does. I've done so much reflecting since Sunday on the little intricate details of my life that have been placed together, and how vastly different my life would have been had I not gone through some of the things that happened. I've definitely seen how God has His hand on every aspect of my life. All I need to do is trust that He's got things worked out for my benefit, even if I don't always get to see it immediately.
5) I dated this boy for half a year ;) And I can say without a doubt they've been the best of my life. I've never felt the completeness that I do now. It's crazy how much different a Christ-centered relationship is from the ordinary one. JP is an absolutely amazing influence on me, and does nothing but enhance my life in every way. I have no clue what I did to deserve such a special person being in my life, but I'm sure glad he's here. I'm totally in love with him and his family. It's a dangerous spot to be in once you've been hurt a few times. But are you really living if you're scared of getting hurt all the time? Negative. I don't know what the future holds for either of us. But as for now, I'm grateful he's such a big part of my life.
Most people who are reading this know that for the past few months I've been living back at home. There's been a lot of mixed emotions that have accompanied this summer. There have been times I was glad to be away from the city, and there have been times all I wanted to do was run back to Raleigh. All in all, I've discovered exactly where I need to be, which is right where I'm sitting- on my bed in the apartment. I wish for the life of me I could enjoy being in the country all the time and always be surrounded by family. But, unfortunately, that's not the case. Part of the reason I went home was to hopefully discover where I needed to be. After moving up here in such a rush, I thought maybe I just over looked everything about home.
As I crossed into Raleigh last night there was a huge sense of belonging and excitement. This is something I've looked for my whole life. While I love my friends and family back home, I've never felt like I really fit in. I've never liked the same music, never had the same hobbies, never liked the same type of guys, and never wanted the country lifestyle. Not that there's anything wrong with any of that- it's just never been for me. For example: I've just recently started liking country music, I absolutely abhor hunting, huge trucks and country accents are not attractive in any way, shape, or form to me, and I don't like having to drive half an hour to the nearest Walmart. It's a lot more simple out there than it is up here. Maybe that's why I like it- maybe I need a complicated lifestyle because I'm complicated. I don't know.
What I do know, though, is that I'm not just content here. I'm happy.
I love my parent's and the home they raised me in. I'm so grateful for everything they have given me over the years. I have amazing memories from Jamesville. But this- this is MY home. This is MY city. I may have grown up in Martin County. But I grew up in Raleigh.
With that, I can say this was my last summer in Jamesville. The last time I'll live at home.
As it draws to an end, it's bittersweet. I love my folks and will miss them. But I know Raleigh is where I'm supposed to be. And I love that.
Random Holly fact: Some nights when I'm extremely worn out and I know there would be no chance of retaining information if I read, I look up worship songs to listen to. Tonight I feel like blogging too, therefore...my six readers get a blog :D yay for you guys!
Now...being that this is music, it probably should go on my other blog. BUT this one was started when I was going through a lot and when I really turned back to my faith. So, I think it's only fitting I continue to keep this one Christian based.
I really don't know why I feel the need to explain myself to everyone on MY blog...but anyway.
THANK YOU MY LORD
featuring Haven Sink and Matt Papa
VERSE 1:
Thank You for mercy, thank You for grace
Thank you for dying and taking my place
Thank You my Lord my heart is Yours
Thank You for life, Your first gift to me
Thank you for waking me out of my sleep
Thank You my Lord my heart is Yours
CHORUS:
Thank You my Lord, thank You my Lord
O For a thousand tongues to sing, thank You my Lord
VERSE 2:
Thank You for shelter, thank You for bread
And everything good and perfect from Your hand
Thank You my Lord my heart is Yours
Thank You for trials, thank You for pain
When I am broken blessed be Your name
Thank You my Lord, my heart is Yours
BRIDGE:
For the nails, for the cross, for the crown of thorns
for the pain, for the cost, all my sins you bore
I could never repay this debt of love
but I will live to say
This song...oh my goodness. I don't even know where to begin. First of all, thank you LORD for giving Matt Papa the intelligence and capability to write this. Things haven't been going so smoothly since I moved back home. There are definitely bumps and bruises in relationships that need healing. I've been pretty stressed about it, and it's been affecting other relationships. JP got me the cd this is on for my birthday, and I've seriously listened to it at least twice every day. It reminds me that in every situation I should thank God. He knows what He's doing, even when I don't have a clue as to what's going on. It's just so beautifully written. For me, it's more like a prayer than a song. If anyone ever rides in the car with me and this is playing, I go into straight worship mode. Even though there are so many amazing worship songs, there aren't many that make me just want to break down in tears of gratitude. God has been truly awesome to me. He's blessed me and my family in so many ways.
The part that gets me every single time is "When I am broken blessed be Your name". So many times it seems like it would be so easy to give up. But, praise God for the trials! The trials are what naturally bring us closer to Him (for myself, anyway). And it's so worth it to have a closer relationship with Him.
The other part that really gets me is "for the nails, for the cross, for the crown of thorns, for the pain, for the cost, ALL my sins You bore." To know that there is someone out there that loves me THAT much- that He would send His only Son as retribution for my sin amazes me every single time I think about it. To think that someone would be willing to die for me amazes me even more so. Jesus didn't have to die, He didn't have to suffer. But He did. As a guy in my history class said (and I will never forget this)- "Jesus was thinking about you when He was hanging up there on that cross. It wasn't nails that was keeping Him up there- it was love."
And the second one that I really got in to tonight: Jesus, Friend of Sinners by Casting Crowns.
Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers Let our hearts be led by mercy Help us reach with open hearts and open doors Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours
Yeah...
Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who's writing in the sand Made the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands Help us to remember we are all the least of these Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees Nobody knows what we're for only what we're against when we judge the wounded What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers Let our hearts be led by mercy Help us reach with open hearts and open doors Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours
You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet
'Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers Let our hearts be led by mercy Help us reach with open hearts and open doors Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours
And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast Yeah... You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet
THIS is what I want my prayer to be on a daily basis. If you turn on the news there are so many stories about the craziness in the world.
A good example of this is the somewhat recent amendment one controversy. Now, I realize this may offend some people...but (again) it's my blog. A space for my opinions. So please don't leave any nasty comments.
I do not believe in homosexuality. HOWEVER, that's not what I'm going to blog about. Rather, I'm going to talk about how "Christians" go about acting towards people and how it's relevant to this song.
"We cut down people in Your name, but the sword was never ours to swing"-...who are we to judge? I'm not by any means saying we shouldn't stand up for our beliefs. But is it really our duty as Christians to go and tell people what they can and can't do? In Bible times, the apostles didn't try to force people to believe the way they did. They told them what they believed and left it up to them how they felt. Trying to force people to believe in something never has and never will work. After all- if people aren't doing something because someone else decided it for them, it's not from their heart.
"Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers"- OUCH. As a Christian, this part seriously got me. Often times, we point at the people we think are doing wrong and are first to criticize them. This isn't how we are to be. Every sin is as great as the next.
"Let our hearts be led by mercy. Help us reach with open hearts and open doors".- How many times have we sinned, yet we're the first to condemn others? I know in my community a lot of people claim Christianity...but I also know most of the churches would have a fit if a gay couple sat in their congregation. The church is FOR sinners. It isn't just a gathering place. If you're already saved, then yes. But how else are we to reach people if we shun them every chance we get? We need to remember the mercy God has shown to us when we've done wrong. He loves us, and in turn we should love the people He created. Even if we don't think what they're doing is right.
And possibly my favorite line- "The world is on their way, but they're tripping over me". I am by no means a perfect person. I've done things I regret. However- I do try my hardest to remember that no one is perfect and God loves EVERYONE, so I should too. I pray I don't make anyone stumble because of things I've done or said.
That turned in to a mini rant(: Sorry for the lengthiness. I've had a lot to say about these events though and just haven't blogged. So- that's what you get(: Again- please don't leave any rude comments. Thanks!
So. Tonight I've seen a lot of girls talking about each other on my Facebook updates- more so than usual. Even though I was that girl at one point, I just want to point some things out and write a little about my experiences and how words have impacted me in the past few years.
In every relationship throughout my entire life I've always been told I wasn't good enough in one way or another. So- you guessed it. I'm going to write the things I can remember here. Because I can.
First serious relationship- I was told numerous times I was a "b". I was told I was fat. And thank goodness I don't remember everything since it's been a few years ago. It ended though because he found someone else and said he never loved me.
Second serious relationship- Oh where to begin?
I was too young. I wasn't making enough money. I hadn't lived on my own before. I couldn't cook well. I didn't clean to his satisfaction. I didn't work out enough. I was too close to my friends. We met on a dating site. I didn't dress right. My hair was the wrong color. My family was wrong about everything.
This also ended with an "I never loved you".
The list could go on for days.
That's about 2 years of my life I was lied to(:
People who I'm supposed to be close to- I've been told that guys with good educations aren't interested in girls who are at community college. I've been told I dress like a slut (which those of you who know me know I don't at all and I never have). My grades aren't/weren't good enough. I could have done better at school. I could have gotten a better job. I chose the wrong profession. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm immature.
Because of all of this I have enormous trust/confidence issues.
What I want people to get out of this isn't "oh, Holly is feeling sorry for herself", but rather words hurt. And to those people who are in relationships or are having friend problems- watch what you say. I have absolutely no feelings for either of those two, and thank God on a daily basis for the wonderful person He currently has in my life because he makes me feel like the most special person in the world and isn't anything like them. But- the things that were said still hurt and still impact me sometimes. Things have gotten significantly better in the past months, and I'm extremely happy(: I just felt like for some reason I needed to put this out there.
So yeah- watch your mouth. The whole sticks and stones quote isn't true in the least bit. Sticks and stones may break bones, but bones heal. Once you've hurt someone emotionally with your words there is no taking it back.
Savior I come, I quiet my soul, remember Redemption's hill where Your blood was spilled For my ransom, yeah, yeah Oh and everything I once held dear I count it all as lost And lead me to the cross where Your love poured out Bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down And rid me of myself, I belong to You Oh, lead me, lead me to the cross You were as, I tempted and trialed, human Word became flesh, bore my sin and death Now You're risen, yeah
Oh and everything I once held dear I count it all as lost And lead me to the cross where Your love poured out And bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down And rid me of myself, I belong to You Oh lead me, oh, lead me, lead me to Your heart Lead me to Your heart Lead me to Your heart Lead me to Your heart Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out And bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down And rid me of myself, I belong to You Oh lead me, lead me, lead me, lead me Lead me to the cross, lead me to the cross, yeah
^^ Lead Me To The Cross- Hillsong
This song gets me EVERY time I hear it-full blown waterworks.
Now, the thing that causes the tears is this- we are so incredibly not worthy of His gift to us. How much does our Heavenly Father love us that He would give His ONLY son to die for a people who didn't even want Him? To think that someone could possibly love me that much in spite of my imperfections and short comings totally moves me. I am so grateful for what God has done and is doing in my life. My prayer is this as I keep going on with my life- just what this song says:
"Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out. Bring me to my KNEES, Lord I lay me down. And rid me of myself, I belong to You." I cannot begin to thank God enough for what He has done and is currently doing in my life. I pray that He continues to reveal His miraculous ways to me as He's been doing. I've been so blessed here recently. I am so in love with Him- it's absolutely amazing.
So Lord, lead me to You. Keep me in Your will and on the path You have for me. And as Easter Sunday quickly approaches, help me to keep in mind the awesomeness of Your sacrifice. The fact that You gave us Your only Son in retribution for my sin when I was so undeserving of it.
I saw this on a friend's facebook page a few days ago and it made me to some serious thinking with a lot that's been going on in my life and around me.
"God forgives sin and wickedness when we repent and come to Him in faith, but he does not always prevent us from experiencing the consequences of our wicked behavior."
Now- the reason I felt like blogging about this is for the main reason that it's come up in several debates in my classes recently, and I feel that this is how a lot of people view Christianity.
Okay, yes. God does forgive our sins when we come to Him. However, that is not an excuse to do whatever you want. Jesus died on the cross not so we would intentionally do things against God's will, but so that while we are trying to be like Christ we're allowed some mess ups along the way. It seems to me that most "Christians" today feel that because God is loving and forgives us when we sin against him, it gives them the license to go around and do as they please- as long as they ask for forgiveness. The purpose of the cross and God's gift of His only Son was NOT so we could take advantage of that gift.
Looking back, one of the wisest things my mom ever said was "sorry means you'll try your hardest not to do it again". I may have fought her tooth and nail about a lot of things in life, but I could never come up with an argument back for that one sentence. When you look at that from a Biblical standpoint, it ties right in to the point I'm trying to make.
Say you have a teenager. This teenager lies to you about everything he does. Do you forgive him for it? Of course- because he's your son and you love him. The teenager can do one of two things. He can say sorry and try like heck not to do it again, or he can repeat the same behavior and be just as insincere with his apology as he was the previous time(s). As the parent, once you see this behavior, hopefully the kid would be getting punished.
The same goes for God. He loves us unconditionally, but somewhere along the way there WILL be consequences for blatant disobedience- and it may not necessarily be on this earth.
Revelations 21:8 says "But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.”
If you really think about it, all of the ten commandments are listed right there.
Idolatry- 1, 2, and 10. Faithless- 4, 3, 5 Murderers- 6 Sexually Immoral- 7 Liars- 8 (stealing is in direct correlation with lying), 9
I believe God forgives us. However, I don't believe for one second if we consciously disobey him (whether there is conviction or not- we know the difference in right and wrong and are capable of reading what God requires) he's going to let us by. If we try and live our lives to please Him and mess up along the way, then I do in fact believe we'll still receive His gift of Heaven. But, not when we only come to Him when we need forgiving.
The Bible also says this in Matthew 7:21-23 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’
And right there in those few sentences it tells us not everyone who is under the impression they're going to Heaven is. You can't just do good works and then go out and live like the world does- you have to live by God's word.
I'm not saying I'm prefect or have never sinned at all. I definitely have had my share of struggles. But now, I'm making an effort to do my best at serving and pleasing God. And I don't say that to brag or be prideful- but to say that it is a constant effort to do the "right thing". You have to try and not let the world sway you, and it gets hard sometimes. But you can't let people convince you to do what you know is wrong.
